recognizing the ego and choosing to trust . . .

i am at a place in my life where i have observed and nurtured my ego enough that i can at times (not yet all the time) objectively view my ego as if from the outside of my self. in doing this during the decision process to embark on my hike, it is very interesting to observe the degree and types of fear the surface during this process. the first fear is of course about money - will i have enough, what will i do when i finish the trail, what if the economy is worse, blah, blah, blah.

then there are the fears about my body being capable of doing what i am going to ask of it. i am in relatively good shape - 5'10", 170lbs and i exercise relatively regularly. the fear comes from a past experience of attempting a 30mi weekend hike where by the end my knees were totally shot because of patellar tendenitis. this happens primarily to jumpers and can be attributed to hikers who do not hike properly and really pound on their knees during the downhill portions of a hike. bearing the weight thru your muscles and trekking poles can eliminate this.

then there is the fear of bears, bugs, and snakes. all of the creepy, crawly, and scary things that go bump in the night. a healthy level of caution is warranted, but not to where i get paralyzed. lol. not going to happen.

the biggest fear i have is actually in telling my parents about my decision. i am an only child and have a healthy and close relationship with my rents. i just don't want to disappoint them. when i can step outside of my ego i always remember that they have unwaveringly stated that only my happiness matters throughout my entire life, so . . . sorry ego, but not valid . . .

so what do i do when i get stuck in my ego dramas. well, sometimes i just forget. my mind races and and stay up most of the night going thru my little ego fantasies - i am sure you have all been there. when i am able to recognize my ego for what it is the only choice i have is to trust. i was guided to do this hike by something bigger than my self, so i trust that it is the best path for me. there are also signs along the way. like if i am traveling down the path of least resistance, it must be the correct one. and everything so far has been easy about this hike. having equipment, buying equipment, getting transportation to springer mountain, etc. all just feel into place. ;)

goal of this blog . . .

i have been thinking a lot about what will be the purpose and content of this blog. i have decided that i want it to be a chronicle of my experience in totality. so not just about the physical experiences, but also the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of my being during this hike. i am a very spiritual person, so don't be surprised if my posts tend in this direction. the bottom line is that i want the sharing of my experience to be healing, motivational, and insightful.

the decision . . .

i have decided to continue my commitment to knowing myself by thru hiking all 2, 184 miles of the appalachian trail in 2012. i have been traveling, meditating, chanting, praying, and doing humanitarian work since may of last year. in my attempt to reintegrate into mainstream culture since returning, i have found the current economy to be as dreadful as imagined. so, needless to say, finding a job has been challenging.

so i am choosing to do what i committed to back in 2008 - i am surrendering my choice over to All That Is and listening to my heart. i am choosing to embark on this journey so that i may know myself. i will expose all my strengths and weaknesses and know without doubt of what i am truly made . . .